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I am struggling

I try to share when I’m struggling so I’m not always just sharing my highlight reel.

I am struggling right now. I have been working on my parole protest letter for my abuser. I’m struggling to find the right words. I’m struggling to manage my emotions. I’m struggling to not just come across as an angry ex, but a protective mom who doesn’t want her children or herself hurt again.

I’m so scared. What if I can’t prevent this monster from getting out of prison early? What is 10 years max of his life to the lives he hurt? Two innocent boys and a woman who loved the wrong man. One boy who is going to have a life of challenges due to his brain not fully growing from trauma in utero from his mom being beaten, while pregnant, in the stomach. One boy who struggles with childhood trauma and anger issues even though he doesn’t know what’s wrong, because he had 30 rib fractures at 3 months old and then continued trauma until he was 1 year old.

I’m struggling with what is going to happen if I can’t make the parole board see that this monster shouldn’t be allowed to be free, especially early.

I have been so worn out. I got home a little after 4pm and slept until 11pm and then went back to bed. I’ve been crying constantly feeling like I’m failing my kids. I just, I am struggling.

I’m also struggling because his mother has stalked and harassed me in the past, ending in me obtaining a Personal Protection Order and I am not naive to think she will not do it again when she knows I’m speaking to the parole board. I just want my family and I safe. I’m struggling.

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You know.. as I write out the title to this blog, I am actually sitting here crying and the song, "Letter" by Kyndal Inskeep just came on my phone. Hearing about your biological dad saying more stuff