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Internal Conflict

So, a couple weeks ago I found out from someone that mine and the boys abuser had been diagnosed with stage 4 Lymphatic Cancer. I didn't think much of it because I Googled the survival rate, and my only hope was that with him almost dying, if he survived that he could finally admit to everything he did wrong, so that way he would hopefully live somewhat of an honest life.

The other day while I was at work, I got a text from one of my abusers neighbors that I am friends with, that U of M Hospice was moving into his mother's house. My first thought was outrage, and you can judge me if you want but I am okay with it, I contact the Parole/Probation office because I did not care if he is dying, he is not allowed to get away with not following his Parole guidelines. He is not supposed to be in the house with anyone under the age of 17 years, and his youngest brother is in middle school so he is under 17. I found out that his health is so bad that the courts deemed that since he wasn't a threat he was allowed to be there. I still have anger about it though. I get it, that he is dying, but he almost killed a 3 month old and made it so my oldest son's brain didn't grow all the way. He doesn't deserve the kindness of being at his mother's while he dies. I get it, it makes me sound like a horrendous person but I am actually okay with that. I still have so much anger over it because I had lost my kids due to his violence and while my 3 month old was trying to struggle to breathe and have his ribs and clavicle bone heal, and we had no idea what was going to happen, I was not allowed to be there and that was because of him.

My other thought is that when he does die, I am terrified what that means for me with his family. I lived that life with them of their toxicity. Since his youngest brother blames me for him being gone the last 5 years and him being in prison, I don't doubt the anger he will hold to me since our abuser got out of Prison 2 days before Thanksgiving last year and now he is dying. I feel sorry for his youngest brother because he has been fed nothing but lies and from the things said about him from those around him, he is just as abusive and disrespectful and once again, the mother is enabling, go figure. I can only imagine that anger that will come my way from the whole family once he dies. Isn't it sad that I even have to think that way? Because still after all this time, they never have addressed WHY he went to prison, except that they all hate that I came out about the abuse publicly. The only thing that has ever held him accountable for his actions was the justice system when he went to prison. Not once, does his family actually address what led him down this path and what he did. It is really sad.

I have such an internal conflict going on though. I have anger that he is dying, simply because I do not want to deal with his family more. I have sadness for myself, I know that sounds awful but oh well, that I DON'T feel any sadness for him. I struggle because I feel like as a decent human I should feel something about someone dying, but he is such an awful human to his core that I just can't justify it. My third emotion which is causing me the most internal conflict is relief.... all I feel overpowering every other emotion is relief. Relief that my boys will never be able to seek him out when they get older for answers. That, is simply because they will never get an answer. Never an answer where he holds himself accountable or actually apologizes. All they will end up with is disappointment and hurt. I never want them to deal with that again.

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You know.. as I write out the title to this blog, I am actually sitting here crying and the song, "Letter" by Kyndal Inskeep just came on my phone. Hearing about your biological dad saying more stuff