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Learning to be okay...

So since the universe has a sense of humor, of course on my way to EMDR therapy ever week I go down US12 and I pass a place that up until last year, still made my stomach go in knots when I would see it. Sometimes, I would be driving down US12 and not even realize why my stomach and chest hurt and I would look and see that I was driving by this place. My body remembered even when I was blocking it out.

This is the place that my abuser had pulled into on the way back to my parents house one day from my college in Indiana. He pulled into the parking lot and told me to "get the fuck out" and/or however else he put it. He used to yell so much that sometimes, even with working through therapy still, it is hard to place which things he yelled at each time.

I remember getting out of my jeep, yes, my jeep because he never had a vehicle of his own, but he would always be the one driving mine. And when I went to go get back in, after he kicked me out for whatever reason that time, he started to rev the Jeep and pull away, in the middle of me getting in. Because of this, the Jeep door closed on my knee, and I already had a knee problem and because of that, to this day I have even more issues.

I do have to say though, that slowly, I am working through that constant anxiety that sits in my chest and slowly the places that hold horrible memories and trauma will finally just become another place in my history.

But of course, you have to address them first and I bottled certain things down as much as I could. Even when my husband and I would drive to Coldwater and go past it, I would notice that my hand would clench his without even realizing it when we would pass that location. But soon, nothing from my abuser will have anymore hold over me. He is a worthless piece of scum, lower than most people that are abusers, everyone in his family is, and they hold no merit over the life I have gained and created that holds peace.

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You know.. as I write out the title to this blog, I am actually sitting here crying and the song, "Letter" by Kyndal Inskeep just came on my phone. Hearing about your biological dad saying more stuff