Last week I went to a massage that my oldest sister had scheduled for me. She paid the gratuity and everything so I wouldn’t back out, and she did the 60 minute massage with all the bells and whistles, including hot stones. Most people would have been ecstatic, and I was. I also didn’t realize my stomach pains and dry heaving leading up to it was my anxiety until it hit me. I was TERRIFIED to be so vulnerable and let someone touch me, especially a guy that I didn’t know, as I lay there in my underwear under a sheet, and to be massaged. Now, don’t get me wrong it was a mixture of the most relaxed I have ever felt in my life and also being uncomfortable. This guy was so gentle and conscious of how I felt but when he got to being near the front of my throat or above my knees I felt my whole body tense up and I squeezed my hands so tight that I left nail marks in my palms, which is saying a lot since I bite my nails completely down and off.
It was so crazy to realize that even after all of these years, I still struggle with people touching me or being around me. I don’t even realize it most of the time, it is just that my body remembers and it knows what to do for protection, without me even thinking.
I share this, because I want people to realize that it doesn’t just stop or go away and now I know even more things that I need to work through. I know it will get better, it has to.