Poem of a Perpetrator by Ange Disbury

(*Trigger warning: domestic abuse)

Make our neighbours believe it’s “just between those two,

It’s private, their business, a relationship issue.

He’s always so friendly and polite towards me,

And he’s had a lot of stress with his job recently.”

Spread my honourable name among the community,

“He’s such a nice man, he wouldn’t do that, would he!

And if it was true (but that’s hard to believe),

we should all ask the question “why didn’t she just leave?!”

The camera is tilted away from my choices,

To debating the victim, with sceptical voices.

In silence I’m slipping right out of the frame,

In silence and secrecy I can abuse again...

Make Safeguarding training a victim agenda,

About pathways and processes, completely non-gendered.

Let vulnerable people be named as risk’s source,

I’m silent and nameless, not really here of course.

Let professionals see my choices as one offs or ‘incidents,’

No pattern to see here, it’s just a coincidence.

“This child ‘was not brought’ to their appointment it seems,

That mother’s on thin ice (*eye roll*)

Does she know what this means?”

The camera is tilted away from my choices,

To debating the victim, with sceptical voices.

In silence I’m slipping right out of the frame,

In silence and secrecy I can abuse again...

Turn her trauma into pathology

Another reason that she can’t be

Trusted with responsibility

But see my tears as humility.

Put her in the trial seat

While no one sees my feet

Slip, slip, slipping away

From the questions at play.

Make your headlines so passive, abuse’s source never heard,

Let the term ‘accusation’ become a dirty word,

Let’s not “completely ruin his life,” there’s no evidence to convict him,

Innocent until proven guilty...unless you’re the victim.

The camera is tilted away from my choices,

To debating the victim, with sceptical voices.

In silence I’m slipping right out of the frame,

In silence and secrecy I can abuse again...

Make survivor support services non-specialist, non-gendered,

Let’s think “not all men,” - you don’t want us offended,

Make sure when she phones there’s no refuge space for her,

I’ll entice her back to me, make her think I adore her.

Overlook ethnicity and intersectionality,

Use ‘one size fits all’ for service cost efficiency,

“No recourse to public funds” can justify no dignity,

Disbelieve, delay support...all to push her back to me.

Keep the camera firmly tilted away from my choices,

To debating the victim, with sceptical voices.

In silence I’m slipping right out of the frame,

In silence and secrecy I can abuse again...

Make reporting so traumatic

She’ll be seen as too dramatic

Let authorities believe that if she leaves then I’ll concede,

No more influence I’ll hold

Respect the boundaries that I’m told

For it was only her in danger

Kids need their Dad, I’m not a stranger.

Believe me when I say she’s using parental alienation,

Grant me equal custody, their address and information.

So she’ll think twice about leaving

Where she’ll not be there to restrain me

You’re better off with me, my dear,

Where you think that you might change me.

Keep the camera firmly tilted away from my choices,

To debating the victim, with sceptical voices.

In silence I’m slipping right out of the frame,

In silence and secrecy I will abuse again...