You know.. as I write out the title to this blog, I am actually sitting here crying and the song, "Letter" by Kyndal Inskeep just came on my phone. Hearing about your biological dad saying more stuff about you and your kids when you haven't seen or talked to him in literally years, you think would be easier. It's not. That is someone that is supposed to be my biological father and he could never seem to love me, even from a young age. So much hate and anger for no reason. Maybe it is because I am so much like my mom.
Onto my therapy empowerment moment. With working with my new therapist, I didn't think that I was really doing better until Saturday and then last night. Saturday, we had an event to raise money for a survivor. When I got up to speak about why we raise money, and the embarrassment and stigma attached to domestic violence and what I went through, I usually start to choke up and cry and I can barely make it through it. Saturday I made it through it and was able to talk more about it and I felt so empowered.
Fast forward to last night, Tuesday night. My husband was cleaning out the garage closets and he found a tote that I had not opened since before moving back from Tennessee when him and I started dating. In it, we found a picture book that had a picture of Tim, our abuser, on the front with Brayden in the hospital and it said, "world's best daddy." Sad thing is I remember making that for his birthday because I was hoping it would make him want to be a man and be a dad, I was wrong. A child who is a bully that grows up into an abuser doesn't change for anyone or anything. Then, we found a picture frame that had 3 pictures in it from the first couple weeks we had started dating. Normally, I would have my chest get tight and get really hot, and have a panic attack and memories attached to those photos. Instead, I felt nauseous seeing that we kissed in a photo and that I let him ever touch me, and I threw it all in the tall trash can in the garage and went to finish making dinner.
I truly felt really empowered.
When I went to therapy on Tuesday I put on the headphones and had the mechanisms in my hand and my therapist had me close my eyes. We worked on the vibrations on my hands and the tones in my ears. She had me picture my safe place and it was this tree that I used to run to growing up, out in the woods, when my parents would fight. It was my safe place. I was asked to describe all the senses I could, and when I was told I could open my eyes I didn't realize that I had tears going down my face. I felt so much peace and calmness I didn't want to leave it.
I feel really grateful to finally be getting to where I need to, especially since our abuser gets off parole on February 24th, 2023 at noon and he is now back off of tether.